Dear David

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Dear David

I love that you wrote me a letter. It’s like something from an old movie. So romantic.

I miss you too when we’re apart. You’re right – it’s like we’re broken until we’re together again.

It just feels as if we’ve always known each other – not that it’s only been three weeks. My heart glows too – when I look at you. And when you’re gone, I will think of yours burning for me, like you said.

Your words are so beautiful. I don’t think I really deserve poetry. But I love it.

Viv

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Dear David

I can’t believe it. I have to keep looking at the ring on my finger! I wrote to you after you sent me a letter when we’d only known each other a few weeks. And so much has happened since then. So I just thought I needed to write again to get everything clear and so you know how I really feel. It’s important that you know how much this all means to me.

I think I knew from the first time we met that we would be together. We really are a perfect fit. You’ve got these great ideas and plans and I want them to happen for us both. So much. I feel like we’re walking this path alongside each other and that amazing things are ahead for us. It’s so exciting to be facing the future together. Thank you for seeing me the way you do. For choosing me to be the one to face the world with you. I’m so lucky.

I’m not as good with words as you are but I want to try and let you know how I’m feeling about us. The best – and truest – thing that I can say is that I love you, David. I love you more every day. And we’ll have so many days together that I might burst with it. (But I won’t – because you’ll hold me tightly and love can never hurt you anyway.)

Yours always,

Viv

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Dear David

I needed a bit of fresh air so I’ve just gone out for a walk.

Don’t feel bad about last night. The waiter was very rude to you so you were right to be angry. I’m just sorry I didn’t help things with my silly comments. How about when I get back we just forget all that happened and go back to our lovely honeymoon? You’ve worked so hard to make it perfect so I promise I won’t do anything more to spoil it.

All my love.

V

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Dear David

I’ve thought a lot about it. At first, I wasn’t sure about the house but you’re right – a bit of time and proper thought has made me realise that it is the right place for us. You’re right about me being too cautious and you do know so much more about real estate than I do. (I’ve never been any good at saving money or investing or anything.) So I’ve signed the contracts (on the table). And I’ll pick up something for dinner on the way home from work.

Love V

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Dear ‘Daddy’

They printed out the sonogram after you left. Thought you might like your own copy.

Junior/Jellybean

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Dear David

I know it’s stupid but I AM scared. I’ve never done this before and it’s the most important thing that I’ll ever do. You seem so sure that being a parent will be easy. That it’ll come naturally. And maybe it will to you. But I don’t know what I’m doing. How will I know anything about how to look after a baby?

Whenever I try to explain how I feel, I can’t get it out the way I want to. And I know it makes you mad when I ramble on. It’s probably hard for you to understand because you’re not like me – you’re so confident. I’m sorry that it wasn’t a good time when I tried to tell you last night. I should have thought about it and realised that you wouldn’t have time to talk before your meeting. I’m sorry, David. I just wish I was more like you – tackling the world head-on, sure of myself, competent and positive in my outlook. I will try. And at least with you for a Dad, this baby will have a one good parent. And I’ll be doing my best. I promise.

Viv

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Dear David

It’s weird to think that today’s date didn’t used to be important but now suddenly, it’s the most important. That and our anniversary. From now on, each year, this day’ll be full of presents and parties and that little face I feel like I’ve always known even though I just saw it for the first time today. A bit of me and lots of you – and my Dad’s ears (oh, well!)

This morning I remembered the way I felt when you proposed. All full of excitement and love and the future. And I looked at our baby beside me on the pillow and felt that way again. So I wanted to write it down so I could tell you properly. And so I could remember this day forever.

Thank you for our life and our treasured little boy. I’ll never forget how lucky I am. I just look at him … and you lifting him up in your arms … and I know our life is blessed.

Full of Love

Viv

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D –

Didn’t get to bed until after 5. Could you pick up the things on the list on your way home? I know you’ll have had a full day but with Tai and the abscess and everything, I won’t get to the shop and there’s nothing in the fridge –­ sorry! (Promise things’ll get better – all the books say they do. I know you’re tired too.)

V

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Dear David

I didn’t want to interrupt you again last night but it’s so important to me that my Mum can come around. Please think about it again. She really doesn’t mean to interfere – she’s just trying to help. And I do need help at the moment. I know other new mothers do it all themselves but obviously I’m not like them. Once we get through this rough patch, I’ll have more energy to try and get all the things done without any help. But right now, I just can’t. And I don’t want Tai to suffer because I’m not the best mother. So please change your mind about Mum visiting – I promise I’ll make it clear to her that it’s our house and she’s just to help me with Tai, not to change the way we do things. She’ll be fine with that, I know. She just wants to see him. And I need the help. Please.

T and I have gone to the paediatrician – see you later.

Love Viv

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Dear David

Here’s your new set of keys. Now no one has them but me and you. (My Dad was just dropping off Jordy’s stroller but I should have told him I’d collect it.) Anyway, no one can let themselves in but us now. So it won’t be a problem anymore. Sorry it upset you. I do value our home, you know I do and I wish you didn’t think of my Dad as an outsider but I understand how precious our little family is to you. I do. It’s precious to me too.

Love Viv

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David

You have to tell me what’s the matter. I’m worried about you. You won’t even let me know what’s wrong. Just talk to me and we can sort anything out. I wish you wouldn’t get angry and then just leave. I’ve gone to bed but wake me when you come in and we can talk.

V

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D –

I’ve taken Tai out to the park. I don’t blame you. Tai just needs some fresh air. And me too.

I’m sorry I pushed things last night. I’ll let you deal with things in your own time in your own way like you said.

I love you.

V

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David

You can’t do that again. You can’t. I understand that you don’t need me hassling you when work’s already putting pressure on you but you have to leave Tai out of it. He could have been badly hurt. I know you don’t mean to hurt anyone when you’re angry but I can take it. Tai’s just a baby. And babies cry. Especially when their parents are arguing. He doesn’t do it to annoy you.

We’ve gone to Mum’s. I’m not going to talk about anything to do with you and me with Mum and Dad. I just promised I’d bring cupcakes for Dad’s birthday so I can’t not go or everyone will miss out. I’ll say you’re sick.

Be back by T’s bedtime. (I’ll bath him at Mum’s)

V

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David – you’re wrong. I DO love you. More than anything. How could you even think that I didn’t. I do everything because I love you and Tai. I just went to meet Nadine for coffee. We used to do it all the time and she hasn’t seen Tai for ages. I don’t understand why you don’t want me to see her. You always liked her. I won’t be asleep when you get back. Please come and talk to me and don’t sleep on the couch like last time.

Viv

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I’ve taken Tai to Mum’s. If you want to talk you can call me there.

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Dear David

Thank you for a lovely birthday dinner. You’re right – all couples have their problems. It’s just part of being married. And we love each other. That’ll get us through the rough patches.

The promises you made last night meant a lot. It has just been a bad time for us both but we’ll make things work from now on. Last night was a good fresh start. Thank you so much for everything you did to make it so perfect. (And don’t worry – I won’t make a habit of putting notes in your lunch … I just couldn’t send you to work with the leftovers from such a lovely evening without thanking you for it again.)

Love Viv

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We’ve just gone to your Mum and Dad’s anyway. I’ll explain you’ve got your report to do – they’ll understand.

I know it’s work that’s making things hard for you but I was only trying to help by suggesting a counsellor or something. Lots of people go and just get ideas about how to deal with stress and stuff. I wasn’t criticising, I promise. I cleaned things up but I can’t get someone to fix the door until Monday.

V

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I just told the doctor I fell in the kitchen. But we can’t go through this again, David.

He gave me some painkillers that are making me groggy so I’m going to bed.

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David

I love you but I’m scared. Not of you. Of what might happen when you get really angry. I know that’s not the real you – but it’s happening so often now.

I found some phone numbers of people that might help. Don’t get mad but I really need you to try one. For me. Please. We just can’t keep going on like this.

Viv

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I’m not doing this to hurt you. I’m doing it to save us. Don’t call me or anything – we just need a break.

If you get some help, then we can talk about Tai and me coming home. But until then, he and I need to feel safe.

I’ll call you in a few days.

V

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Dear David

I’m not supposed to contact you but I just want to ask you PLEASE to reconsider the counselling. It’s helped lots of people and it could help us. If you at least TRY it, then we’ve got a chance. If you don’t, then things might not work out for us.

Viv

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David –

I know it’s you calling all the time. Please stop it. The lawyers say they can have you charged. I won’t answer any more. There’s no point if you just hang up. If you really want to talk, just let me know you’ve started counselling and then maybe we can.

Also, we’re not at my Mum’s now so please don’t go there again – she’s got enough to deal with at the moment.

Viv

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I can’t believe you lied to me. Just so I’d meet you. Did you ever intend to see the counsellor? I probably shouldn’t have just walked out when you said you hadn’t gone but I promised my Mum and Dad and the lawyers that I wouldn’t consider anything unless you’d got help. And I owe it to Tai to stick to that. You might think you can change without help but even if you can, what does it hurt to see someone? For me. For us. Just do it, David. It’s the only way I can start to trust you again.

Vivienne

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I don’t know how you found out about the hospital where Dad is but you can’t come there again. Or anywhere that Tai and I are. If you come near me wherever we are and threaten either of us again, I will take out an AVO like I said. I know you think I won’t but I will – and that’s in writing now. I mean it, David. I will if I have to.

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David – The lawyers have sent you heaps of notices. You have to stop. You’ve got to leave us alone. It’s gone too far now. It really is over. I’m not changing my mind. And you making scenes in public only makes me surer that I’m doing the right thing. Of course I want Tai to have a relationship with you but not when you’re angry. Not if I can’t trust you to take care of him. You have to get some help and then you might be able to see him. But you and I won’t get back together. We won’t. It’s past that now. Way past.

Vivienne

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It IS over, David. Even if you don’t want it to be, I want it to be. So it is. Too much has happened for me to ever change my mind. I’ve signed the papers so you need to too. But you’re Tai’s Dad and if you get help so that you’ve got control of your anger, we can work out visitation. I want him to know you and to have a good Dad – the way I know you can be. Please, David. Just sign and things will get better.

Viv

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David

The divorce is final so we both need to move on with our lives. I know you’ll always be Tai’s Dad but you can’t see him until you prove you’re not volatile, like the lawyers said. So you need to just leave us for a while and let things calm down and then we’ll see about visits. OK? That’s the only way it can work. I’ll be in touch in a couple of months if you leave us and let things settle for a bit.

Viv

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David – This is the last time I’ll write to you. You have to stop it. You’re only making it worse every time you do this stuff. You might be pissed off with me but shouting at me in the street and threatening my friends won’t help you see Tai. Leave us alone for a while and I’ll call your Mum and Dad when I’m ready for you to see him.

Vivienne

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Do not come here and put the people I work with in this position. I told you I will get in touch with you when things calm down. Don’t show up here again, David. It’ll make things worse for you if you want to see Tai. Just go – and don’t talk to Andrew or Jaimi about anything before you leave. They’re not involved in our problems and it won’t help you.

If you don’t go straight away, I’ve told Andrew to get security to remove you.

Vivienne

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I know this is your car, David. I don’t know where you are now but you’d better just get in and drive away as soon as you read this. If your car is still here at 5am, I will call the police again. LEAVE US ALONE!

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Dear Greg and Mandy

I’m sure you hate me and you never want to see me again. Or get a letter from me. But you’re Tai’s grandparents and you’re important to me too. So I had to write and tell you that I didn’t mean it to turn out the way it did. I need you to know that.

You know things were bad with me and David but it was worse than you saw. And I couldn’t let Tai be part of that. Or me. It got too much. I tried. I really did. But it just kept getting worse and nothing I did made any difference.

I know David loved me in his way. And I loved him. Until things got really bad. But he just wouldn’t stop. Or couldn’t. And I had to keep Tai safe. I know David never meant to hurt him but he could have done it accidentally again. And it’s not good for him to be around all the shouting and everything. He’s not a baby anymore. He won’t forget all that stuff and it’ll change him. Make him more shy and scared.

You do know that I had to leave. I tried to get things back to where they were but I couldn’t. I really tried. So all I wanted was for us not be a couple anymore. If we could have just split and he could have got some help, then it would have been OK. That’s all I wanted. Just to leave with Tai. And work things out so we were all OK. I never wanted anything else to happen. I hope you can believe me.

I know it sounds like a lie but I don’t remember exactly what happened. I really don’t. I remember David’s car outside my Mum’s place. He’d been parking there over and over again for months, sitting there all night. He’d walk around the house in the dark and shout. He said he’d hurt us. He said awful things. He said he hated me and he meant it. But then other times when he’d show up at my work he’d say he wanted us to be a family again. I couldn’t handle it. I really tried to sort things out myself and then I had to get the lawyers because nothing I did worked. I know David needed help and I did everything I could to help him get it – but he wouldn’t. I promise you that I tried everything I could think of. But in the end, I just had to keep Tai safe. And stay safe myself so I could take care of my son. Your grandson. So I hope one day you’ll understand.

All I wanted was for him to leave us alone for a while. Until things calmed down. I know he wanted to see Tai and I would have let him if he hadn’t been so angry. And you know it was more than that. I know a lot of it was because he was stressed and he’d feel bad after at the beginning. But it was scary. When it started, I thought it was just a mistake but then it kept happening … anyway, I hope you believe that I wouldn’t have left if there was any other way. And that’s all I wanted to do. Just leave.

But then he kept showing up and making threats. At my work. At Nadine’s. Everywhere.

The night before, he’d phoned and said some really nasty things. He sounded different. Cold and mean. He said he’d hurt my Mum. And that he’d take Tai. So when he showed up again that day, I just wanted him to go. To leave us alone. That was all. I know this sounds like I’m lying or making stupid excuses but I really don’t remember anything after I went out to tell him to leave. I remember that he grabbed my arms. And he wouldn’t let go. I know he was shouting at me and that he looked like he could do anything and that I was really scared.

Nadine said we ended up on the building site next door but I don’t remember going there. She said she saw me trying to get away when she turned into Mum’s street so maybe I ran and he caught up. I don’t know. I didn’t mean to do anything – except I probably wanted to stop him. So that he would go away. And leave us alone. I know I didn’t mean for what happened to happen. I didn’t plan it or think about it or want to do it.

I feel sick that it happened. I hate that it did. I still can’t believe it sometimes. It’s like a nightmare.

But I know it’s real. It’ll never leave me. I will pay for it for the rest of my life. But I want you both to know that I never meant for it to happen. I wouldn’t do that intentionally. Not to anyone. And not to Tai’s Dad. But it was almost like he was someone else when he was mad. I couldn’t see him in there anymore. Not the David we loved.

I know that you’ll never forgive me and that whatever I say won’t make any of this easier for you. But I am so so sorry that you have to go through this. You’ve always been good to me and I would never want to hurt either of you. But I know I have.

I don’t expect you to understand. Why should you? I don’t. But I had to try and explain. And this was the only way I could think of. And I know I’ve done a rubbish job of it. But I had to try.

I won’t bother you again. But if you want to see Tai, you’ve got my Mum’s number and I’ve told her you can visit him there whatever happens.

I don’t know what else to say.

I’m just so sorry.

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Vivienne

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